Sunday, May 6, 2012

Hillbilly Science

 As it turns out, My Hillbilly is a prolific writer. I already knew he was a prolific talker, but I didn't realize his love of communication ran to writing as well. So, here he is:

Yes, I am back again!  Aren’t you happy?  This time I am going to get into more of the technical terms or the science of being a hillbilly.  You see, genetically speaking, I am almost the perfect hillbilly!  And as I give you more information, you will see why.   

In the Ozark Mountains, there are all kinds of critters, plants, and such that are not all that people-friendly.  Some of them love us but are not good for us.  For instance there are, as Cynthia would react and say, TICKS!  And speaking of loving us, they really do!  In the same manner as I love cookies or homemade ice cream, they love us!  


Now, I don’t know if it is true for sure, but I have heard that ticks don’t need our blood to survive. They eat plants, but they do need blood to breed.  So you now understand why the little critters are out there silently screaming, "Give me blood, give me blood, gotta have blood now!!"  They are desperate little suckers and we are kind of like walking raw oysters or perhaps even like Viagra for them. 

 Doesn’t that make you feel warm, wanted and important, just knowing that there are species of insects such as these, that are depending on you!  I am surprised that we don’t have green, hug-a-tree, save-the-animals, eat-only-the-silently-screaming-vegetables, and other such groups out picketing.  I can see it now, signs saying such things as "Go naked in the woods now," or "Give blood now to promote your local tick’s sexual and mental health."  Gotta love those do-gooder groups!

At any rate back to being the almost genetically perfect hillbilly.  The aforementioned ticks don’t like me very well.  They will crawl on me for hours without biting.  Mosquitoes have almost no effect on me.  They bite me and within 5 minutes, the welts are gone!  Chiggers, (for those of you who don’t know what a chigger is, you should really, really, experience them sometime) are invisible little blood suckers  that generally causes a bigger and itchier welt than a tick!  

My mother used to make me put a hand full of salt in my bathwater to get rid of them after I picked blackberries with her.  It really seemed to me to be kind of like marinating steak for better taste, but whatever!  As it turned out, it was a waste of salt.  Chiggers don’t like me either!   I am not allergic to wasps, bees, poison ivy, poison oak, poison sumac, and such like.  Yes, I would have been the perfect hillbilly, if it hadn’t been for allergies that cause problems with my sinuses.  Foiled by nature again!

Speaking of allergies, I have had much more trouble with some soaps, detergents, perfumes, after shave lotions, etc.  I think in applying scientific methodology to this, we might find that the hillbilly genome just has an aversion against numerous baths, and unnatural smell-em-goody things.  I wonder if Cynthia would let me experiment and do without such things?

Cynthia: I think not.

From the Hillbillies Corner!

That's My Hillbilly. I just never get tired of him. I'm staying here in California where I've never met a tick or a chigger. Ick! How about you? What's your experience with vermin and other critters?

In case you've missed the Hillbilly's other posts, check them out here: