Friday, May 18, 2012

Feuding with the Hillbilly

The Hillbilly is not actually feuding, and I'm not actually feuding with the Hillbilly. Even though...

 We had this conversation the other day when he waited in the car while I ran into the mall the other day. I was gone for ten minutes! TEN!

When I returned he mentioned a "gal" he had seen walking across the parking lot. "She really had a graceful walk," he told me. "I thought she was coming to a car near here, but she walked clear across the parking lot."

"You were watching her walk?"

"Well, I was parked way out without many cars around me, and I just noticed her coming this way."

"And you watched her walk all the way across the parking lot?"

"No, baby, I didn't watch her the whole time.... I just checked every once in a while to see how she was doing."

"Okay, I'm going to give you a chance to get out of this. Did she walk better than me? Be careful how you answer." 

I gave him a chance! Clearly there's one correct answer here! Unfortunately for the Hillbilly, he's the most honest man on the planet.

"It was totally different; there's no way to compare. You take cute, little short steps that make your bottom twitch. She was long-legged. It was completely different."

"Well of course you can compare!"

"No you can't. They're not even the same thing."

"I'll help you out. One of the walks belongs to the woman who could sleep with you...or not."

Poor Hillbilly. Once he started that conversation, he never had a chance.

But that's not what I came here for today. The Hillbilly wants to tell us about hillbilly feudin'.
(Not Actually My Hillbilly)

A Note from the Hillbilly:

Well, sometimes those with inquiring minds ask, did you ever know people that were involved in them thar feuds?  Of course, I immediately know that their inquiring minds were like mine and not that inquiring when it came to the English language.  

But in answer to their question – yes!  A friend of mine lost his dad in one of them thar feuds.  Actually there were eventually about six people killed in that one, but that was in the 1940’s in a lot more hillbilly area than I am from.  Why, it was practically in Arkansas! 

Focus! Don’t get confused; I come from a much higher class of hillbillies.  I mean there are “HILLBILLIES” and there are hillbillies.  Come on guys, you can tell that I am a high class hillbilly.  Why, I am practically royalty as far as hillbillies go!
In thinking about this though, I realized that I  have known a fair amount of people that have been murdered or have murdered someone or killed someone in self- defense.  In fact, for a small town and its surrounding area, where very few murders are committed, it seems like I know an inordinate amount of them.  

There was the one fella that killed his "friend" and the friend's girlfriend.  Arguably, the depth of their friendship could be questioned!  I worked with him!  I was in management, he worked around our paint line.  Come to think about it, it seems as if we had our share of problems with those who worked around that line.  Another past employee who had worked on the same line wound up on the FBI’s most wanted list. 

Perhaps it was due to too much paint fumes.  At any rate, the man who killed his friend and the friend’s girlfriend, had two uncles who were supposedly killed in self- defense, by another guy that I knew. 

Another acquaintance, (not a friend; remember, I am a classy hillbilly), a motorcycle gang leader who claimed to have murdered various people, was killed.  This was after he had supposedly gotten religion.  I am not sure his religion ran deep because he had gone to collect money with the assistance of a ball bat and was shot and killed!  
(Not actually the motorcycle gang leader)

Word to the wise, don’t go to a gun fight with just a bat or a knife! Hello, was  I the only one who watched Raiders of the Lost Ark?  

Let’s see, then there were the two guys who lived about a
half mile from me that were ambushed on some back road.  That one looked kind of professional.  I think the truck they were in had about two hundred bullet holes in it. 

(Not Actually Their Car)

 Then there was a car dealer I knew, who was thought to have been killed professionally!  And let’s see, there was the friend of mine,(a really nice guy), who picked up one too many hitchhikers. This hitchhiker had just murdered someone minutes before he killed my friend!  Then there was the murder at one of my favorite pizza places, (I missed that one by minutes, it happened right after I left).  I knew the victim and the shooter. 

Then there was the guy my brother-in-law wanted me to arm wrestle.  My brother-in-law was running a rec-center that his dad owned.  I was talking to him from my car and he started begging me to come in and arm wrestle this guy. 

I was not too excited about the idea because it wasn’t something I went around doing and I was just getting over a shoulder injury.  But he kept begging.  He told me that this guy thinks he is good but that he almost beat him.  Finally, I asked who is this guy?  He told me and I then asked, isn’t that the guy who was 6’3” and weighed 213 about 10 years ago when he was only 13 years old?  He says yeah, he is pretty big, (a huge understatement), but he isn’t that tough! 
(Not Actually the Guy)

 He kept begging, and I finally agreed.  I went in, took one look at this guy, and immediately thought my brother-in-law hates me.  This guy was about 6’5” tall, probably about 350 lbs, had a huge chest, shoulders that looked about 3’6” across, arms the size of my legs, and he had huge biceps!  He was dressed like a mountain man and looked like the quantity of steroids he had taken far exceeded his IQ!  I was silently saying to myself, self, you’re going to die.  I am 6”2” and at that time, weighed about 180 lbs.  Hmm, wouldn’t I like to weight that once again.
At any rate, with great trepidation, I arm wrestled this guy ---
and put him down so quickly that he and I were both stunned.  So, he had to try me again and lost just as badly.  Yeah!  Who da man now?  No, are you kidding, I didn’t say that out loud.  I may be a stupid hillbilly but I am not dumb and suicidal.  I quite respectfully got my backside out of there.  He was not a happy camper.  

But speaking of dying, within two months he was arrested for murdering a man.  Obviously it wasn’t me, because you still have the great privilege of reading my posts.  Aren’t we all so happy about that?  Well okay, at least I am!
Seriously, I looked at feuds and murders.  I could just as well have looked at suicides or death by drug overdoses or alcohol poisoning. Whether in hillbilly land or in the big city – they have one thing in common.  They may have been caused by drugs, (buying, selling, partaking), alcohol, illegal activities, sexual escapades, etc., but really, all were caused by bad choices.  Choices that escalated to even more bad choices that led to a very permanent ending. 

Unfortunately, many times innocent people also get caught in the middle of this destructiveness and also pay for it with their lives.  We need to not only be aware of this in our lives, but need to emphasize this over and over again to our children and grandchildren. 

From the Hillbilly’s corner